On Our Way Pack your bags and you're going on your way‎ You gotta, gotta feeling and the feeling's so bright now The world's alive and you're on your way You’re goin’, goin’ on holiday, you're flying away now‎ Day’s arrived, it’s time to split Call a cab or thumb a lift Take the car or jump a train We all get there in our own sweet way Counting the days ‘til you can get away Now that day has come OTT or TLC DIY or VIP IMO or OMG R and R in a B in B Pack your bags and you're going on your way‎ You gotta, gotta feeling and the feeling's so bright now The world's alive and you're on your way You’re goin’, goin’ on holiday, you're flying away now‎ Gotta keep moving, no time to stop Time to check in or is it bag drop? Queuing again but they’re keeping us safe A quick rub down and we're on our way A quick rub down and we're on our way A quick rub down and we're on our way An early start from the duty free? Bite to eat or maybe a coffee? Pay a call, browse the books? Maybe pause and take a look?... We’re all making the same escape We're all heading to the same place We're all rushing for the same plane Getting away from the same things OTT or TLC DIY or VIP IMO or OMG P and P in a B in B Flight turns green, you rush to the gate One final check and you’re on the plane Roy, Sam, Naz and an older lady They’re there for your comfort but primarily your safety‎ Finally at ease You start to relax You’re really on your way And you’re never coming back Pack your bags and you're going on your way‎ You gotta, gotta feeling and the feeling's so bright now The world's alive and you're on your way You’re goin’, goin’ on holiday you're flying away now‎ Make a change - we all want fun Use your energy - ‎or laze in the sun? Change the pace – but time is short Time to be vigorous - ‎or do nothing at all? Dreams of life - life of dreams We finally arrive – and life begins

Going away for the first time Got it all in front of you Time to play your part in the human race Wanna jump into the pool Splashing around may be part of the fun But there’s more to this than getting wet…and… Acting this way may feel a little weird, but… Deep down you know it and you’ll never forget, so… Join the dance and do your thing Just get drunk and dive right in, because… There is no wrong - there is no right There’s you and me - we’re here tonight I get it up - you pull them down I stick it in - I pull it out I would like to talk to you But I haven’t got the time Let’s just get on down to this The party of all-time The party of all-time The pool party of all-time There is no wrong and there is no right There’s you and me and we’re here tonight I get it up, you pull them down I stick it in, I move it ‘round You can’t be too choosy Time to cast your net wide You’ll find no one better around At least not for tonight The struggle for existence can be so fun Taking ‘bout as much as you get Getting down like this might not feel right, but… You’re working yourself up into a sweat, so… Join the dance and do your thing Just get drunk and dive right in, because… There is no wrong - there is no right There’s you and me - we’re here tonight I get it up - you pull them down I stick it in - I pull it out I would like to talk to you But I haven’t got the time Let’s just get on down to this The party of all-time The party of all-time The pool party of all-time I would like to talk to you But I haven’t got the time Let’s just get on down to this The gene pool party of all-time

We’ve been going out For nearly nine months now But now we’ve come this far I’m starting to have my doubts Not sure you like yourself Or know how to be free You’re maybe a bit too nice And I think you’re ashamed of me I wanna hold your hand As we're walking down the street But you're trailing far behind Your hands in your dungarees We’re not a filthy secret It's not a heinous deed We won't be flogged or publicly cuffed Unless we want to be There's more to life than oranges Dark fruits are calling me The epitome of all I want Fresh, exotic, ripe and sweet ‎But is it ripe or bruised? Is it sour or sweet? Have you bitten into something bitter? Are there strands between your teeth? The breeders can fuck themselves If they don’t like what we are A couple of straight-up lesbians Who both like the salad bar I wish we were more two-way Feels like I'm always giving I wish you’d take the lead sometimes And do me with a strap-on The rub is: you’re too white, too uptight And you need to lighten up I wish you could but I’m not sure if a tan’s enough The bargirl with the big brown eyes Feels like I can see her soul Don’t want to cheat on you but she’s smiling at me As I sink into this hole… There's more to life than oranges Dark fruits are calling me The epitome of all I want Fresh, exotic, ripe and sweet ‎But is it ripe or just bruised? Is it sour or sweet? Have you bitten into something bitter? Are there strands between your teeth? No one else around - there's no one to see We can fool around - it's fine to be with me Want to be with you - but can't hide our love away I wanna to be with you - but something's got to change I always want to be with you - I love what I see I want to be with you - can't date an absentee Who cuts out the parts - that no one can see ‎But I want all of you - can't date an actuary

I'll love you the whole of our lives I'll love you ‘til the end of time Be at your side if you can't get around Yes, me too… and I'll push you around But right now We're the perfect couple We're on our honeymoon And nothing can ever go wrong I'd still love you if you couldn't see your feet I'll still love you when you start to seep I'd care for you if you’re in poor health I'd clean you up if you soiled yourself But right now We're the perfect couple We're on our honeymoon And nothing can ever go wrong (They’re the perfect couple) Tell each other and those around you Hopefully makes it true Tell each other you’re not alone Hope-filled dreams of romantic love Sealed with the exchange of rings They're the perfect couple The idyllic husband with his idyllic wife‎ Perfecting the image of a superior existence No doubt, a perfect life You’re my night of passion It doesn't matter if you're barren (Bear witness to the perfect couple) I adore male pattern baldness I long for vaginal dryness But right now We're the perfect couple We're on our honeymoon And nothing can ever go wrong To me, your impetigo lights up your face However diseased, my love would never change I'd kiss your cist I'd eat your shit But right now We're the perfect couple We're on our honeymoon And nothing can ever go wrong He won’t want to spend our time Playing and watching sport She doesn’t mind my time with friends She’s fine when we’re apart He’ll shape up, he wants to change He listened to what I said She’s coaxing out my softer side I love to talk but let’s go to bed

No invitation-only No private members club No elitist bullshit Just people united in their love ‎ I'm a member of The Guild, number 442 With a special cap, embroidered badge And a left leg tattoo Just like-minded people together You’re free to join if you want Well actually It’s 27 pounds a year Just to cover costs If this is your thing We’ll welcome you in To join a club where there's only one rule Share the joy of what we do‎ I'm a middle-aged man who lives alone I know what people say He sits at home, on his own, Watching porn, wanking all day ‎But I find a deeper joy Pursuing personal passions Relieving myself, being myself With skill and knowledge and invention   I'm a member of The Guild, number 442 With a special cap, embroidered badge And a left leg tattoo It's more than a hobby It's a way of life Found in bedrooms and garages In village halls and distant moors If something’s your thing Someone somewhere will welcome you in And if you're still not sure You probably haven't seen Our award-winning 38-page, feature-filled Member's magazine I'm a self-confessed obsessive And I'm saying it with ‎pride I'm a member of the guild 'Til the say that I die Day-to-day No one listens to what I say You wouldn't even notice me If you walked past me in the street But once a year I come away here I’m the king of the convention A celebrity for a week You can laugh if you like You may think it's perverse But I'm the master of my own universe I'm a member of The Guild, number 442 With a special cap, embroidered badge And a left leg tattoo I'm a member of The Guild, number 442 With a special cap, embroidered badge And a left leg tattoo I'm a member of The Guild, number 442

No bullshit from the doctor, he gave it to me straight I’ve only months to live, just time for one last break Now it’s time to live my life like I’ve never done before Now I’ve nothing left to lose, it’s time for the last hurrah Never peaked, never dared do, all the things I wanted to Now it’s time to take some risks, got a big bastard bucket list It’s never too late to listen to my bitter-sweet advice Now I know I'm dying, I've never been more alive Strap me to a parachute, bungee rope or death slide Want to put my life in danger. I think I’ll take up crime: Burgle the next-door neighbours; shoplift; defraud the golf club; Have a go at street robbery; then I want to do a bank job Now’s the time for me to do things that I’ve been too scared to Wave goodbye to this safe life with a great big fuck you Cos now’s the time to live my life like I’ve never done before Now I’ve nothing left to lose, it’s time for the last hurrah Never peaked, never dared do, all the things I wanted to Now it’s time to take some risks, got a big bastard bucket list It’s never too late to listen to my bitter-sweet advice Now I know I'm dying, I've never been more alive Make mine a double. I’m back on the fags I don’t care about my waste. Don’t care if I get crabs Glue, weed and heroin - try my hand at anything If it brings me to the brink - what’s this stuff beneath the sink? Now’s the time to lose my mind, in the moment with no doubt All the things that I’ve denied, find out what the fuss is all about Now it’s time to live my life like I’ve never done before Now I’ve nothing left to lose, it’s time for the last hurrah Reach for the peak, always dare do, all the things you want to do It’s always time to take some risks, on your big bastard bucket list It’s never too late to listen to my bitter-sweet advice Once you know you’re dying you’ll never be more alive

Sat at the café table she’d just given up Savouring the taste as I drank from her cup Clocked her at the check-in desk And again, on the plane I heard her at reception But didn’t catch her face I thought I saw her in the bar Then jogging on the promenade Oh, to see her again I was on a coastal walk away from the town When I spied a solitary figure, stood down on the beach below Eyes on stork, I couldn’t believe What I thought I could see A goddess, collecting seashells Walking au naturel But my trusty binoculars confirmed This buck-naked beauty, wearing only a smile I preserved her perfection with my telescopic lens A tidy 40-something with skin of deepest bronze Clambering to the shoreline My heart was beating fast Removed all my cloths Then off came my trunks The warm breeze kissed my penis and dried my sweaty balls I smeared myself in sunscreen and started my stroll Wanting to help her find all the parts she couldn’t reach Just to sit down next to her and keep her company As I drew near, I sat at a safe distance Her beauty was almost too much to bear Her unconcealed body, pure Unshaven, unadorned No tan lines Au naturel I lay down in the searing heat Shut my eyes and then I heard my father say, ‘Seize the moment, Ray’ So I start to approach her, I have to go and speak She turns around and I see myself staring back at me She smiles at me and says ‘Come in for a swim’ She takes my trembling hand And gently leads me in Puts her arms around me Wraps her legs around my back Rides me like a jockey Greatest sex I'll ever have A shoal of tiny fish Seemingly hungry for my nutrients Joined us in the swim Then I awoke, alone On the beach With sand under my foreskin

These Chinos These... These Chinos They no longer fit A week away without the kids An emergency escape plan to repair all that’s split Once a loved-up couple sewing a shared dream The snags of family life now pulling at the seams Twill cotton slacks with no pleats Slightly tapered leg with no crease Don’t understand just why you’ve packed these Knees like new but thinning in the seat Let’s dance, walk hand in hand Drink wine, pass the time Play some golf, reclaim our love Get out of these clothes These chinos, they no longer fit The colour’s faded, too tight round the hips Too many stains, too many loose threads Have they shrunk or have I put on weight? Stood in a wardrobe that no longer fits It’s the ease, the freedom, spontaneity that I miss A casual jacket, no socks and deck shoes All things that I would never choose But worst of all…the trousers… Twill cotton slacks with no pleats Slightly tapered leg with no crease Not the trousers that they used to be Knees like new but thinning in the seat We made our dream, hemmed and seamed Still comfortable but worn too long I’m afraid that they’re falling apart It wasn’t meant to be this way These, these chinos, they no longer fit The colour’s faded, too tight round the hips Too many stains, too many loose threads Have they shrunk or has he put on weight?

Going on holiday’s a time for a change But it’s always the same when we go away Tears, crossed words, swearing and sweat And we haven’t left the country yet Away with the family for a couple of weeks Me, my wife and all the kids On our way with no way back God know how I'm gonna relax Scrimped and saved to pay for this Sea and sun and a load of stress Got to go but I need a shit God know how I’ll get through this How’m I gonna get through this? Don’t eat or drink in the hire car Cover your mouth when you cough at the salad bar Cut the bickering and stop acting the fool Ignore the kids who piss in the pool Third floor with a beautiful view But I'm not keen on a family room How can we do what we want to do? It doesn’t feel right if they’re in the room Being away makes me mildly depressed Stepping off the wheel gives me time to reflect Is this what I want? Is this what I choose? Or am I just doing the things that other people do? Lying on the beach with the rest of humanity Wondering what I have I’ve read all the books I had The latest Dan Brown, Tom Clancy and Andy McNabb Away with the family for a couple of weeks Me, my wife and all the kids On our way with no way back God know how I'm gonna relax Scrimped and saved to pay for this Sea and sun and a load of stress Got to go but I need a shit God know how I’ll get through this God know how I’ll get through this God know how I’ll get through this

I mean it this time, Alun I know you've done it before You're going to have to leave I can't take it any more I need you to listen to me Alun I knew you’d say that Of course you can help it It’s not a medical condition Don't come on Rhi me I’m sick of hearing it Here are your things They’re all in the bag How many times have you wet the bed? How many times have I had to hand wash the sofa cushions? But this time it's worse, I can’t take it anymore You used to make me laugh at school - a free spirit they could never tame Smoking splints in chemistry - a cheeky lad just going his way Fact is you've never grown up – your only thought is for yourself Bounding round your universe – can’t care less for anyone else I know we're here for my 40th but I want a divorce All your stuff’s in this bag no, you have no choice Take your stuff, get out – I need a real break You can sleep on the beach for the rest of the week The factory’s closed but there's work elsewhere You haven't lifted a finger for nearly four years You think the fact you haven't raised your hand to me Proves you’re a good husband I don't care what Gary says The thoughtless gifts, forgotten birthdays The unpaid bills and the frittered wages Drunk and disorderly, convicted of affray The condom that dropped out of me the following day The leering looks at the baby-sitter The night at my sister’s when you tried to kiss her The best man speech, those mis-spelt tattoos The kids deserve better than a father like you I just can’t take it anymore I mean it this time, Alun I know you've done it before You're going to have to leave I can't take it any more I mean it this time, Alun

Finally ready for the long leash, a week away from the pack Two old dogs who are trusted to roam and still come back A couple of fellas away on their own They feel like men, but they look like dogs Well-groomed if a little stiff No collar but micro-chipped Jabs up-to-date and socialised House-trained… most of the time Regressed back to excitable pups No one to stop them or pick it up He’s an alpha male - in his dreams Always led by his dick Living life in a fantasy Where everything’s licked A fantasy, in a fantasy You’ve got it… licked Thinking you’re the head of the pack When all you want’s your owner’s lap Belly of food, walks and sleep Regular strokes, occasional treats I’ve got the measure of you Free to roam, free to choose What you do is up to you No choke chain or training treat, far away from your owner’s lap Just keep out of the road and your dick in your pants It’s high season and the hounds are on heat Heads to the ground, hot on the scent Snorting every damp patch they see In the bar, at the pool, down the beach Old dogs keen to master new tricks All-consuming hungers for everything Meat and veg, fruit and fish Gobble the lot or lick the dish He’s an alpha male - in his dreams Always led by his dick Living life in a fantasy Where everything’s licked A fantasy, in a fantasy Where you’ve got it… licked Thinking you’re the head of the pack When all you want’s your owner’s lap Belly of food, walks and sleep Regular strokes, occasional treats I’ve got the measure of you Free to roam, free to choose What you do is up to you Just suppose They came onto you I know what you’d do You wouldn’t bite off their hand The tail’d come down You’d turn in fright Rush back to the room With your dick in your hand

Alone in the bathroom They're all lain in there Jayden is my best friend And best friend's share I try not to mind But I'm not made of wood I can't join in with them But I wish I could (Kian, I need the toilet) Jayden's girl is Kayleigh And she is my friend Sienna is my sweetheart On whom I can depend A delicate love that's Soft to the touch You offer me everything But it is too much What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me? They're so happy But I can't get my funk on They're all naked But I've still got my trunks on Am I selfish, staid and out-of-date? Emotionally fucked and rather straight? Friendship with intimacy This isn’t what I choose We’re friends and I love you both But I don’t want to enter you (Guitar Break) I stick out, I’m a sore thumb I don’t want to spoil your fun But if this is what love means I’ll go without Maybe I am the odd one out Maybe I am the odd one out Maybe I am the odd one out Maybe I am the odd one out I'm the odd one out I'm the odd one out I'm the odd one out I'm the odd one out The odd won out

Left, 2, 3, 4 Right, 2, 3, 4 Up, 2, 3, 4 Down, 2, 3, 4 What the fuck is this for No, no really, what the hell is this for? Gerbils on the wheel spinning faster and fast Where society dictates you should be thinner and thinner The holiday workout leaves me exhausted Feeling dizzy and sick and totally inadequate The boot camp master shouts louder and louder ‘No pain no gain you’ve got to work harder!’ All around me I see the Botox injections The face lifts and the raised cheekbones I want to shout, ‘Your head’s in the sand!’ You believe the media, the chapter and verse You’re running a race you’ll never win You’re cycling a bike that won’t stop spinning You’re battling the waves that won’t stop breaking You’re lifting the weights, your arms are aching You’re pushing the dumbells, your teeth are straining You’re climbing the rope and your vertigo is screaming You’re trying to lose weight, trying to stop the body shaming Got to get thinner, got to get fitter Got to be more attractive to my opposite half Be more toned and show more bones Have the bulges in only the right places Keep on spinning but I can’t get off Keep on spinning but I can’t get off Keep on spinning but I can’t get off Keep on spinning but I can’t get off Who’s that body that I want to be? Who’s that body that I want to be? Who’s that body that I want to be? Who’s that body that I want to be? That’s the person I want to be Discipline will make me me This recipe for insanity It only feeds your insecurities Wanting to be like someone else Is some strange sort of suicide When you’re looking for someone to love It’s best you start inside There is no one better around And not just for tonight

International business, a foreign deal to be done Business trip abroad, couple of days in the sun Seeks and sunglasses, lunch by the sea Lost in translation, with shape plans debris 4-year contract with no hidden fees A magnum of champagne, we all feel at ease Time to celebrate, his spouse is away The cat is at home, a thousand miles away Go back to the hotel, get showered and changed A rare opportunity, where no one knows your name After the meal and drinks and all the pleasantries He escapes to act out his fantasies Hail a taxi to the seedy side of town Asks the driver where it’s going down ‘If you’re into fetish a club called Whiplash It’s highly recommended by all the tourists 500 euros for two hours You’ll get pain, you’ll get shamed, you’ll get tortured Rubber and leather, and chains and whips Then golden showers with Miss Dominatrix’ He walks through entrance, slapped 200 on the desk He said to the receptionist, ‘2 hours of the best’ ‘Go up the stairs, the first door on your left’ He entered the room, excited, couldn’t hold his breath When all of a sudden, swinging down from the ceiling A kick to the head and with a punch he was reeling Another lonely businessman, another naughty boy Her whips and the chains sort the men from the boys She forced a large orange deep in his mouth Pinned him to the wall, he couldn’t speak out With a large knife, cut his chinos and shirt She got on her knees, torn his trunks with her teeth She picked up and stick and started some spanking Cracked her whips and gave him a thrashing Torn trunks lay down by his ankles Then came a candle wax, she tightened the shackles Then came to his surprise a surprise insertion And to finish with a golden shower for his exertions She thanked him very much and he left a large tip She spat ‘put your clothes back on and go back to your wife!’

Effortless sophistication (We are who we are) Working hard for what they’ve got (Do you know who we are?) Confident consideration (We are who we are) ‎ Take the penthouse suite on top (Do you know who we are‎?) Have you seen our luggage? Have you seen our shades? Have you seen our private entrance? Have you seen our maid? Louis Vuitton luggage Balenciaga shades Unobtrusive entrance And a modern-day slave I love myself As you can see You love my life And life loves me Never said aloud but knowing to ourselves We all deserve the hand we’re dealt All the subtle signs that speak the truth We’re just that little bit better than you Checking in with the office daily (We are who we are) Too important to ever really stop (Do you know who we are?) Need to stay on top of everything (We are who we are) Just to stay on top (Do you know who we are?) You wish you were us Oblivious to the pretence The irony of your envy is It's all at your expense Paid for by mugs like you With our five buy-to-lets Our sickening income Is your gut-wrenching rent I love myself As you can see You love my life And life loves me Going self-catered, but we never cook Can’t live cheek by jowl With the snouts in the trough It’s worth paying extra for this break Chartered trips, massages, water sports We work hard and deserve what we get ‎ Never said aloud but knowing to ourselves We all deserve the hand we’re dealt All the subtle signs that speak the truth We’re just that little bit better than you The view up here’s spectacular (We are who we are) Surveying everything around (Do you know who we are?) But when you’re this high up (We are who we are) ‎ You can only look down (Do you know who we are‎?)

Will I see you again? Become my long-lost friend? When I go down the aisle In the morning with a smile You're my oldest bud - A real kind of love And my best best man - Who’s your biggest fan All that we’ve been through - Does she know you like I do? Wild nights in the park - Wrestling after dark The beers and the gags - The sharing of mags On my wedding day - Everything’ll change I need you at my side - But I’ll be weeping inside We’ll always be friends - My best friend’s lament Standing here After thirty years Wanting what’s best for you I’m your best man But it’s hard to accept That I’m only ever second best You’ve got it all You’ve got it all My vows on the beach Your humorous speech A day full of dreams It’s all what it seems To have and to hold - Hold you so close In sickness and in health - It hurts me inside For richer, for poorer - The gold-digging bride From this day forward - I'm left on my own For better for worse - This is so much worse To love and to cherish - Or simple forget ‘Til death us do part - She’s torn us apart My best friend's lament Standing here After thirty years Trying to want what’s best for you I’m your best man But it’s hard to accept That I’m only ever second best You’ve got it all You’ve got it all

It started the day we arrived Noises coming from the guests next door We’re in a cheap two-star hotel A room at the back Over-looking the carpark We were settling in I was resting on the bed My wife unfolding our clothes Putting them away At first, we didn’t recognise what it was A bit of creaking and clattering of furniture But it was incessant, rhythmical Then they started to moan My wife was as stoic as ever ‘They’re only having fun They’re probably on honeymoon I won’t hear a thing with my earplugs in’ And she was right, she didn’t, but I did That night, after we’d retired for the evening Not long after she’d dropped off, it started again The wall between us is just so thin The gasps and grunts and groans Sounded like a man and a woman I was pretty sure there were only two But who's doing what to who? It seemed to go on for hours and hours and hours... I just lay there, as annoyed and frustrated as I was titillated, Next to my wife, knocking one out in the dark I quickly learnt they didn’t confine themselves to the evenings either They’d start at any time of the day Just as we were heading down for breakfast One day I nipped up after lunch to change my shorts They were there, at it The creaking bed, the knock of wood on wall, the cries of ecstasy People detached from themselves, immersed in each other But we never saw the couple on the corridor Sitting at dinner on the final night I could barely focus on the buffet It's an all-inclusive, but it doesn't include everything After, sat in the bar, I wondered if they were there I could go around the back and see if the light’s on But I was convinced it would be Unable to bare it any longer, without even thinking I did something I've never done ‘I've got a headache, I need to lie… down and sleep You stay and have another drink, don't worry about me’ Kissing my wife goodnight My shorts are already getting taut I think I can hear them as I stand in the lift But it's all in my head But they are in, I knew it I locate the after-sun and then get a grip But I want more, that’s it I need to hear better and think of an old trick Glass to the wall A window into a world of uninhibited satisfaction Are they just young? Are they drunk? Deranged? They might even be in love? Maybe it's chemsex? I'd read it in the papers I've never been so stiff If there's a heaven I think this is what it is Tonight, they're really going at it, and it’s amplified But distracted by my other hand, I fumble The glass falls and shatters on the floor The world stops for a moment… But then the practicalities kick in This plastic cup doesn't work Shall I get a new glass from the bar? No, I can’t leave, and the wife might see Then I turn and my eyes fall on the balcony Stepping out, I peer around: the curtains slightly open A chance to see - my pre-ordained destiny Suddenly, sound’s not enough And there’s only a small gap between the balconies Do I need to prepare and plan my approach? A couple of strokes every now and then Just to keep things going Pumps for grip at least Trunks, temporarily, to keep it safe That’s it - I’m ready for the greatest night of my life At last, I leap, but I slip, and I fall And I’m found in a flower bed in the morning Stiff as a board

Schadenfreude, schadenfreude, schadenfreude, schadenfreude ! Can you believe our luck? You couldn’t make it up Sure I booked a double But now we have a twin We both deserve a break One foreign trip away But the seven-day forecast Is only clouds and rain Airline has lost our bags Forgot the duty-free fags Hoping to get some shags But she’s in a mood Laying down on our beds Whoever cleaned this place? The duvet has crusty stains And smells of fried food Went on the balcony Seeking tranquillity But scaffold and hairy arse Is all that I see Thought things were looking up When the sun started coming up We went and bought some trunks And lay in the sun On sunbeds They lay in the sun Then suddenly A familiar voice A voice That nagged him to death No mistake The voice of his ex-wife The bitch took him to the cleaners Got custody of their children Half his salary and his pension Then she taps him on the shoulder and say ‘Hi’ Schadenfreude, schadenfreude, schadenfreude, schadenfreude ! I had to double take She’d lost a lot of weight Looked happy and content With her new bloke Of all the fucking places In all the fucking world My ex-wife and her man In the same fucking hotel I want to check out now Find a new hotel now Anywhere but here right now Just away from this hell She sneered ‘Is she with you?’ ‘The one with the big tattoos?’ ‘The topless one with the thong?’ I said, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Girlfriend squared up to her Barked, ‘Stop dogging me up’ ‘Lookin’ down your nose at me’ She suddenly grabs her by the hair It all started kicking off Can you believe my luck? I just want an easy life In the midst of a cat fight Sprawled on sunbeds They fight in the sun The moans Of a familiar voice A voice That nagged him to death No mistake The moans of his ex-wife The bitch took him to the cleaners Got custody of their children Half his salary and his pension Then she taps him on the shoulder and say ‘Hi’

That’s it It’s just another day But it’s the final day I hope you’ve had a good week How much food? How much drink? How many views? How much did you get? How much fun did you have? How much sand did you find? It’s time to put your top back on Sun’s out but it’s somehow not the same Still shining with its luminescent brilliance But clouds are gathering in the distance It won’t be long ‘til you’re back in the shade It may be invisible But it’s there still the same We clip your ticket We drive your coach We load your luggage We take your coat We make the bed Plump up the cushions Polish the fittings Straighten the curtains Fold the toilet roll Change the towels We scrub the sink Descale the shower We promise the earth And always deliver Here to serve you Hand, foot and finger Hand me a gun, put a stop to this Who foots the bill of this temporary bliss? Do with your fingers whatever you wish Hand foot and finger – pass me the knife The week’s nearly done It’s the final day Soon they’ll be gone And it’ll start again I know the cause of your toilet blockage She’s seen what’s in your bin You can’t hide your wi-fi usage We know exactly where you’ve been The barman sees you like a drink But it’s just between you and him The maître d' accommodates your special diet Understands how you keep so thin There’s a slight chill in the air We’re heading towards the end of season Feeling weary but still not beaten You still don’t know we’re there We may be invisible - But we know your secrets We pick up shit Eradicate stains De-leaf the pool Rod out your drains Speaking English Organising trips Offering nibbles Pouring you drinks We make your meals We wash the dishes We polish the floor We empty the bins We serve you lunch We serve you dinner We wait on you Hand foot and finger Pass me the gun, put a stop to this Who foots the bill of this bronze-coloured mess? Do with your fingers whatever you wish The barber cuts your hair but his fingers smell of piss Saturday comes And it's all change They think they're so different But they're all the same

An ‘oliday for me Is all about the lager The women, the sun and the sand Oh yeah, and the food, yeah Well it’s all about getting away from work Spending time together as a family Trying new things, embracing new cultures Seeking experiences that one never gets at home Are we right? Or are we wrong? Living life? Or playing along? Should we stay? Or should we go? Board a plane? Or never go home? Run away?! Or face the facts? Keep on papering? Or fill the cracks? So many questions So many reasons The place called home The changing seasons When you’ve found the solutions Put your answers on a postcard And in that moment of clarity Lift your head and follow your heart Don’t trot out the truth that’s handed down to you Or taken from a book or the girl from Thomas Cook ‘Cause the things that they preach are their make-believe And putting petrol in a diesel won’t take you far On the edge Of a cliff Should you leap Or play it safe? In this world What is our place? Find our path? Or accept our fate? Is it chance? Can we change? Wrestle the controls? Or leave it too late? Live on the grid? Or disconnect? Travel alone? Or go with friends? We’ve all got baggage We can’t escape Do we flee in fear? Or turn to face? Fight the fight! For what you want Sod those who say It can’t be done As Isaac said ‘Do Your Thing’ Lift your fists And start to swing When you’ve found the solutions Put your answers on a postcard And in that moment of clarity Lift your head and follow your heart When you find the voice deep inside Then write the answers on a postcard The voices of love, the voices of trust Put your answers on the postcard