1. |
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This Christmas Eve, this Christmas Day
A space at the table ‘cause you’re not here
Pigs in blankets, roasted chestnuts
Smells of Christmas with you
Singing carols, family banter
Sounds of Christmas with you
On Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day
Hooves on the roof and Santa’s sleigh
On Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day
Tiptoes of feet in the middle of the night
Christmas turkey, figgy pudding
Tastes of Christmas with you
Christmas kisses, opening presents
Touch of Christmas with you
On Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day
Sharing their dance and play
On Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day
A tiny voice in the middle of the night
I want your love, your Christmas love
A mother’s love, a father’s love
A brother’s love, a sister’s love
A dear friend’s love, a lover’s love
On New Year’s Eve, on New Year’s Day
We celebrate, we dance and play
On New Year’s Eve, on New Year’s Day
We flail around and dance the night away
I want your love, your Christmas love
A mother’s love, a father’s love
A brother’s love, a sister’s love
A dear friend’s love, a lover’s love
In our thoughts, in our hearts
Merry Christmas, wherever you may be
On Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day
On New Year’s Eve, on New Year’s Day
I want your love, your Christmas love
A mother’s love, a father’s love
A brother’s love, a sister’s love
A dear friend’s love, a lover’s love
Pigs in blankets, old pyjamas
Sights of Christmas with you
Pigs in blankets, indigestion
Feeling Christmas with you
On Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day
Hooves on the roof and Santa’s sleigh
On Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day
I hear your voice in the middle of the night
Pigs in blankets, merry Christmas
Memories will never fade
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2. |
Office Christmas Party
04:43
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There’s no easy way to tell this
But tell this tale I must
Sparing the sordid details
I’ll give you the main thrust
‘Twas… the office Xmas party
when everything fell apart
A night for letting our hair down
But you let it down too much
December second sounds early
They were doing it on the cheap
A budget of 20 pound a head
I now know what that means
Attending with my woman
We both were on the ‘roll
Pam and I, together six years today
Together we conquered the world
She was in accounts, AAT Level 3
I worked in logistics, Class 2 HGV
Getting together it surely made sense
Me pissing in bottles, her counting the pence
‘Twas at the office Xmas party
when everything fell apart
A night for letting our hair down
But you let it down too much
The party’s full of festivity
The tinsel and glamour and drink
A bit of harmless flirting
Or that’s what they’d have you think
Late in the evening I went for a slash
There were stifled groans from trap two
I casually crouched to look under the gap
Four feet and I recognise the shoes
I leapt up and shouted and banged on the door
The room fell silent but for a murmured ‘more’
After a few endless moments when nothing was spoken
The lock finally clicked and the door it swung open
Pam and the senior supervisor from the depot
I can’t believe what I see
What on God’s earth has my woman done?
Derek’s older if thinner than me
‘Twas at the office Xmas party
when everything fell apart
A night for letting our hair down
But you let it down too much
Despite her pleadings, I was lost in my feelings
I didn’t stop to think
Cuffed him on the chin but that wasn’t enough,
Took my anger out on the sink
Things went from bad to worse
For this loyal and competent charge
Employee of the month - April 2010
Cast out in a Xmas purge
The criminal damage and assault charges were dropped
But I was kicked out on my arse
So I’ve lost my job as well as my love
And I don’t know where to start
I blame Jesus
For all that’s befallen me
His season of love
Shat down from above
What will the New Year bring?
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3. |
Secret Santa
04:34
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Okay, it’s time for Secret Santa…
It’s that special time of year
Time for fun and a little festive cheer
Unique ritual, a chance to conceive
The pleasure’s in the giving, not what you’ll receive
Secret Santa - what will you give?
Secret Santa – how will you live?
Secret Santa – give it all you’ve got
Secret Santa – give ‘em your best shot
Forget yourself, forget the chat
Who’s name will you pull out from the hat?
Get with the programme, get in on the fun
Give something special for that special secret someone
Secret Santa…
Secret Santa - the gift with no rules
Perfectly wrapped with ribbons and bows
Touch it, feel it, give it a shake
A bottle of gin or some aftershave
Steve and Billy got something for you
Steve and Billy got something to prove
Steve and Billy got something for you
Steve and Billy get into your groove
Make an effort, play your part
Give a gift but make it smart
Forget the shit, forget the tat
Give something special to that someone from the hat
Sign off Santa, maybe with a kiss
Slip it the sack, I’m sure you get the gist
Now the best bit, the moment of surprise
The gasps, the laughs, confusion in their eyes
Secret Santa - what will you give?
Secret Santa – how will you live?
Secret Santa - give it all you got
Secret Santa – give them your best shot
Secret Santa - the gift with no rules
Perfectly wrapped with ribbons and bows
Squeeze it, smell it, the laughter escapes
Fairly firm and banana-shaped
Secret Santa - the gift with no rules
Who’s it from nobody knows
Tap it, unwrap it – surely, it’s not
A bright white, life-like dildo they bought?
It wasn’t, it wasn’t
It was an electric pepper grinder
Well, that’s Secret Santa for another year
Steve and Billy would like to wish you all a magical Christmas
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